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WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? (various authors)

Plato:
For the greater good.

Karl Marx:
It was an historical inevitability.

Machiavelli:
So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.

Hippocrates:
Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.

Jacques Derrida:
Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!

Timothy Leary:
Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

Douglas Adams:
Forty-two.

Friedrich Nietzsche:
Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

Oliver North:
National Security was at stake.

B.F. Skinner:
Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.

Carl Jung:
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

Jean-Paul Sartre:
In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Ludwig Wittgenstein:
The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

Albert Einstein:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Aristotle:
To actualize its potential.

Buddha:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

Howard Cosell:
It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.

Charles Darwin:
It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Emily Dickinson:
Because it could not stop for death.

Epicurus:
For fun.

Ralph Waldo Emerson:
It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe:
The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

Ernest Hemingway:
To die. In the rain.

Werner Heisenberg:
We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

David Hume:
Out of custom and habit.

Jack Nicholson:
'Cause it fucking wanted to. THAT'S the fucking reason.

Pyrrho the Skeptic:
What road?

Ronald Reagan:
I forget.

The Sphinx:
You tell me.

Henry David Thoreau:
To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.

Mark Twain:
The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

The I Ching:
Because 9 in the first place means it furthers one to cross the Great Road. No blame.

Confucius:
To advise the Duke of Chou on crossing roads with chickenly piety.

Lao-tse:
If I told you, it would prove I don't know.

Chuang-tse:  If Confucius and Lao-tse are on opposite sides of the same road , how much more so then the chicken?

Aleister Crowley:
Because it was his Will, and therefore the Whole of His Law.

Madame Blavatsky:
He was unwittingly acting on instructions emanating from my immediate superiors in the Himalayas.

Krishnamurti:
To demonstrate that there is no duality of This side and That side unless you think.

Ramana Maharsi:
When a chicken in yourdream crosses a road in your dream, do you upon waking enquire into his motives?

Colonel Sanders:
To persuade the vegetarians that a chicken is just a fast plant.

Terence McKenna:
He was impelled  by the backward shockwave of the Eschaton towards the self-replicating machine hens glittering hyperspatially across the road.

Vernor Vinge:
Because the hyperbolic acceleration of roadcrossing technology led to a Singularity beyond which chickenhood on this side of the road is unimaginable.

Robert Anton Wilson:
Because the Illuminati had manipulated him into Reality Tunnel #23.   Fnord.

Richard Dawkins:
Because of the selfishness of the road-crossing meme.

Nikola Tesla:
As part of a secret experiment in wireless chicken transmission.

A.J. Ayer:
In the absence of a technique to verify or falsify the assertion that he crossed it, the crossing must be regarded as chickenless.

Adolf Hitler:
Because it was his racial destiny to expand his Chickensraum.

M.C. Escher:
Are you so sure he really crossed it? Look again..

T.S.Eliot:
Because chickens will not cease from crossing, and the end of all their crossings will be to reach the side of the road they started from, and to know it for the first time.

Oprah Winfrey:
He was reacting to a repressed traumatic caponisation in his childhood which he will now share with us in detail.

William Faulkner:
Because the inbreeding which had reduced his once proud line to alcoholic degenerates brooding among the magnolias serpentine with kudzu as the Mississippi sun poured its withering scorn on the abandoned cotton fields where his deranged father had pecked in dusty vain for forty years had driven him to the point where he no longer knew when to stop or whether in fact it was a good idea to stop since in his rare moments of lucidity he could see not even a semicolon for miles and miles and then some.......

F. Scott Fitzgerald:
Because he believed in the greenlight, the orgiastic chicken-run that year by year recedes before us. It eluded him then, but that's no matter;  tomorrow he will scurry faster, poke out his beak further, and one fine day....

Dr. Johnson:
To refute Berkeley's assertion that to be on the other side of the road is to appear to be there.

H.P. Lovecraft:
They say my head has been cut off, but the blind fools will soon know the eldritch horror of the abominable Pukpuklathop who froths with loathsome ecstacy in unspeakable slime beyond the NOW OPENED PORTALS TO THE OTHER SIDE!!!

Al Gore:
Because I designed the Information Superhighway so that all chickens, especially American ones, can cross under our benevolent supervision.

Richard Hoagland:
To prove that had doctored photos of the other side of the road.

King Lear:
As roads to wanton chickens are we to the gods;  they cross us for their sport.

Dr. Emmett Brown:
"Roads?  Where I'm going, the chicken doesn't need roads!"

Herman Hesse:
When the bizarre and solitary chicken disappeared across the road, his landlady's nephew, who felt an odd kinship toward the clucking fowl, found an egg inside the pen she once inhabitted....

Steppenwolf:
Get your chicken running.

Paul McCartney:  (from the other side of the road)
Yesterday.... all our chickens were so far away.

Boddhidarma: Bring me that chicken.

Sam Spade:
The chicken pleaded with Sam to let her go.  She even tried to seduce him.  But Sam sneered, "I won't play the sap for you."  He had to clear himself from guilt, and no chicken would stand in his way.  His smile widened as he gazed at the bird.  "When they fry you, I'll always remember you, kid,"  he said.

Wilbur and Orville Wright:
As to why, it is hard to say.  Yet after we saw that it couldn't fly, a thought occurred...  If we could build a skid with a track going down the hill to the road, she just might make it across without touching the ground.

Isaac Newton:
For that one crossing, there is an equal and opposite crossing occurring simultaneously.

Richard Nixon:
The chicken is not a crook.

Will Rogers:
I never met a chicken I didn't like.

Mort Sahl:
That chicken made it across the road, because it ran against Jimmy Carter.  Like Reagan, that chicken would have never made it, had it run unopposed.

O.J. Simpson's defense team... one after the other:
Did you see the chicken cross the road?  I didn't see the chicken cross the road.  How can we be sure the chicken crossed the road?  Just because the chicken was on this side for a time... and now is on the other side... is not adequate reason to be sure it crossed the road.

Dr. Seuss - Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not  been told!

Martin Luther King, Jr.. - I envision a world where all chickens will  be free to cross the road without having their motives called into  question.

Grandpa - In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the  road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Saddam Hussein - This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Fox Mulder - You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How  many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

Freud - The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Louis Farrakhan - The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

Alexander DeLarge: It was fagged of it's domy, me droogies,  and wanted to secure a bit of the ol' ultra-violence.

Erwin Schrodinger - Until you actually observe the chicken, it exists in a superposition of both crossed and uncrossed states.

Robert Frost:
He crossed the road less traveled, and survived.  That made all the difference.

• track _Like Regular Chickens_ MP3 (160k) by Amon Tobin off of _Permutation_ on Ninja Tune #36
• turntablism track _Like Irregular Chickens_ MP3 (vK) by Kid Koala off of _Carpal Tunnel Syndrome_ CD on Ninja Tune (2000)
• track _Chicken Walk_ MP3 (192k) by Jon Spencer Blues Explosion off of s/t on Caroline (1992)
• noise rock track _Eye Of The Chicken_ MP3 by Butthole Surfers off of _Psychic...Powerless...Another Man's Sac_ 12" on Latino Bugger/Touch & Go (1985)
• shibuya-kei track _Know Your Chicken_ MP3 (192k) by Cibo Matto off of _Viva! La Woman_ (1996)
• funk rock track _Crazy Chicken_ MP3 (160k) by Graham Central Station off of _Now Do U Wanna Dance_ 12" on WEA (1977)
• track _All Chickened Out_ MP3 (160k) by The Cherubs off of _Icing_ on Trance (1992)

• A chicken will lay bigger and stronger eggs if you change the lighting in such a way as to make them think a day is 28  hours long.
• The chicken can travel up to 9 miles per hour.
• There seven distinctive types of combs on chickens: rose, strawberry, single, cushion, buttercup, pea, and V-shaped.
• Unrelated to the chick, the male cock-of-the-rock bird earned the name "cock" because of its rooster-like appearance and combative behavior. The female of the species influenced the word "rock" being added to the name because of her habit of nesting and rearing the young in sheltered rock niches.
• There are four places in the United State with the word "chicken" in their name. Chicken, Alaska; Chicken Bristle; in Illinois and Kentucky; and Chicken Town, Pennsylvania.
• The largest chicken egg on record was nearly 12 oz., measuring 12 1/4" around.
• The greatest number of yolks in one chicken egg is nine.
• The record for laying the most eggs: seven in one day.
• There are more chickens in the world than any other domesticated bird. More than one chicken for every human on the face of this earth.
• The longest distance flown by any chicken is 301 1/2 feet. (as the crow flies)
• Did you know that some breeds of chickens can lay colored eggs? Sure enough, the Ameraucana and Araucana can lay eggs colored in shades of green or blue, depending on the breed and it's ancestry.
• In 1994, 73,866 million eggs were produced in the U.S.
• China not only has the most people in the world, but also has the most Horses with 10,000,000 and chickens with over 3,000,000,000 of them.
• Chickens and turkeys are known to cross-breed, these breeds are known as "Turkins".
• The term 'Chicken Pox' didn't come from people believing that they came from chickens, it came from the Old English term 'gican pox' - which means the itching pox.
• Alektorophobia - Fear of chickens.
• There are approximately 450 million chickens in the United States.
• There are more chickens than people in the world.
• Chickens make sounds with actual meaning. They give different alarm calls when threatened by different predators.
• A rooster will attack anything that he thinks will harm the hens ( that includes humans ). Their spurs (located at the back of their leg ) can cause a very painful puncture wound.
• If a rooster is not present in a flock of hens, a hen will often take the role, stop laying, and begin to crow.
• In Gainesville, Georgia - the chicken capital of the world - it is illegal to eat chicken with a fork. [Source: local ordinance]
• McDonald's in India doesn't serve beef -- only chicken, mutton and fish. [Source: notice displayed in McDonalds bombay outlet ]
• The closest living relative of the T-Rex is the chicken.
• The waste produced by one chicken in its lifetime can supply enough electricity to run a 100 watt bulb for five hours.
• The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

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